What Pictures Don’t Show

Pictures can be very compelling evidence of physical transformation. Who hasn’t bought a fitness related product because of the inspiring before and after pictures? But what about a person’s mental or emotional transformation? Can a picture capture someone’s emotional or mental state at any point in time? Sure, it can capture someone smiling, but does that mean they are happy? Does it matter that we are told to “smile” before a picture more often than not? Is their smile genuine, or just a socially conditioned response? When a picture captures someone who appears to be frowning, or in a somber mood, can we tell if they are genuinely sad? Could the picture just have been taken just before a yawn, as their mouth momentarily contorts to fight the urge to open and let that yawn out? I think that many of us are too good at hiding what is going on within us, emotionally and mentally, that we put a mask on of what we want the world to see of us. Pictures often only capture that mask. Some of us have gotten so good at wearing those masks, that a picture could never capture what we don’t want it to see, what we don’t want the world to see.

I wish that I had a picture that captured my emotional state from 2015-2017. It would have been the worst photo taken of me, but it would have been honest, something that pictures have trouble being, especially the highlight reel pictures that we see on social media. None of us like to be seen at our worst. I would have fought tooth and nail to not have that honest picture taken during that period in my life. I grew up in a family that hated, I mean hated, getting their picture taken. So much so, that when my mom passed away in 2006 we had trouble finding 1 or 2 pictures recent pictures of her to put up at her visitation. I’ve gotten a lot better with getting my picture taken over the past 10 years or so, but I’m still very skilled at avoiding having one taken when I want to be. Back during 2015-2017, I wouldn’t have wanted a picture that showed how much unfathomable sadness there was within me, how much indescribable hurt there was within me, how much hopelessness and despair there was within me. To be honest, that picture may very well have just been a cloud of black fog hovering where my body was supposed to be. Hell, it may have even been just a picture of pure blackness or darkness. The funny thing is, that I have plenty of pictures from that time in my life of me smiling, of me laughing, of me joyful – but as I said before, those were the masks that I was wearing. I was anything but. To say that I was in a deep depression wouldn’t capture what was going on within me – to this day, I have trouble putting it into words. That “thing” swallowed me for years, it stole me from my wife, from being the husband and friend that she deserved, it stole me from my young children, from being the dad that I had always wanted to be for them, and as weird as it sounds, it stole me from myself.

I wish that I could say that 2015 was where my struggles started, but it wasn’t. The depression, the sadness, the loneliness, and the hurt had been a part of my life in one way or another for most of my life. 2015 just happened to be when all of it became too heavy to carry anymore, and it started trying to swallow me whole.

The reason that I wish I had a picture of me that showed all of that in a brutally honest way, is because that picture would show just how fucking far I have come in the in the last 3-5 years. If a picture could capture our emotional or mental state, I would have one taken right now in a heartbeat. That present day picture would be such a stark contrast from that earlier one. I’m not saying that it would be all sunshine and rainbows, but it would show someone that is in a much better place. When placed next to each other, those “before” and “after” pictures would show a stunning transformation, they would be a powerful testament to what my healing looked like.

When I was really struggling, I remember telling my wife that I just wanted to feel some sort of happiness again, that I just wanted to feel good again, to feel whatever “normal” was again. At that point in time, those feelings felt so alien, so far away, so impossible. The thing is, after a year or more of intense therapy and work, as I started to feel some happiness again, as I started to feel good again, as I started to feel “normal”, and as I started to see that dark, dark time in my rearview mirror, I came to realize that I didn’t want that to be my journey’s finish line. I wanted to keep going and I knew that I could use the tools that got me that far, and learn new ways to push myself even further in this new phase of my journey, the quest of trying to become the best version of myself that I could be. In a way, it felt like I had just climbed up a mountain only to realize that the peak was still above me, hidden by the clouds. I wanted to get to that peak, even though I knew that the peak would always be moving, no matter how high I went, I would never reach the summit. I knew that that didn’t matter though, because this wasn’t about the destination, it was about the journey. For so long, the goal of my journey was just to feel “normal” again, to feel some sense of happiness again. Now my journey is about growth and doing the work to be the best version of myself that I can be.

So many of us are fighting invisible battles every day. So many are hiding behind masks that hide our struggles. So many feel a sense of loneliness and alienation because we think we are the only ones that are struggling. I know because I lived that way for most of my life. I struggled in silence for years, wearing mask after mask, feeling so alone and isolated at times. I know what it is like to feel like the real you is buried under the pain and scars of your past. I want those of you who are struggling to know that you are not alone. I want those you who are feeling hopeless to know that there is hope. You can change things. It takes a lot of courage and determination, but you can start your journey of healing and transformation. I’m going to start sharing my story, in the hopes that it somehow inspires one person to start taking the steps, no matter how small those steps are, to start their own journey.

“Employ your time in improving yourself by other men’s writings so that you shall come easily by what others have labored hard for.” – Socrates

#depression #mentalhealth #therapy #transformation #journey #struggle #healling #selfimprovement